I spent the entire day outside in awe of how flawlessly Mother Nature pulls herself back together time and time again. We drove through Kentucky in the earlier part of the day and my darling husband pulled over just to let me get the my hands in the waves of grass and my oldest daughter and son soon followed, eager to feel the wind and grass beneath them. Looking around its almost funny to see how she whips her hair back and forth, effortlessly flexing her green grasses, decorating herself with an abundance of flowers that even the trees can’t help but howl in support.

It wasn’t particularly a long winter but the amount of behind the scenes work that I went through brought back what felt like many waves of depression that I felt like I had no choice but to let go and for someone who has fought so hard to remain in control it was both the most freeing experience and also the scariest.

I don’t really know how to put into words the feeling of being both humbled and exalted. I had to merge together pieces of me that I didn’t think fit into myself anymore and it was only through the isolation, letting go of the spiritual practices and getting really quiet that I realized that there is always room for more, it isn’t always just about letting go.

One of the things with social media is that allowing yourself to be seen in whichever way you choose to present yourself also allows for people to make assumptions about who you are and what you should be. In this moment we are in, although it is wonderful that so many are interested in healing and spirituality, ironically it still comes with a lot of judgment from within the community.

In my case I was feeling like I had to stick to only speaking about my traumas and stories, there wasn’t space to talk about other parts of me that are perfectly human and although temporary in nature still valid and enjoyable. The truth is that for me that role, identity or whatever you may call it felt like another box. The same kind of boxes that I have worked so hard to climb out of and part of the foundation of the messages I was offering of self-trust, self-love and willingness to live a full life.

Towards the end of 2020, I knew very clear in my heart that I had to surrender my practice and shift the way that I was presenting myself on social media and it was terrifying. I once again began to question everything, to the point where I was doubting if the gifts that I had were ever meant to be shared, if I even wanted to share them and where I began to believe that I had to share this with others. To be perfectly honest I wasn’t sure if I was taking the right path for me at all but it is now that I see that this brief journey was absolutely necessary for me to gain clarity on all of my questions and the clearly see the trust that I have in myself.

I feel really proud of myself for being willing to surrender it, to trust and believe that whatever God had in store for me was what is right for my growth and here I Am, once again being asked and given the opportunity to assist and serve others in the journeys.

How humbling to be taken on a journey that I will be able to help guide others on, to be able to walk with them with a heart full of trust saying “yes, its scary but you can and will do it.”

I held my first reiki session in months over the weekend and there was not a shred of doubt that I was doing what I was meant to do. It was more than the angel numbers and synchronicities, it was PURE FEELING. Everything was in perfect alignment and as I move forward feeling stronger within myself I know that I am in the best position to be a coach, a guide, a friend, a mother, wife and daughter of the Most High.

One of the things that came up for me over and over during these months in hermit and healing mode was that I felt like an imposter which I’m sure many struggle with that feeling as well. Mostly, I doubted myself because that is the way I have done it for well, most of my life. A deep rooted fear of being wrong. of wanting to get it perfect and not wanting to be seen in a way that brings feelings of shame or inadequacy. The thing is, that was all an opportunity for me to go in an love myself, a time for me to really ask myself if any of those feelings are true.

And while the process of the letting those thoughts and feelings fizzle out, no longer feeding them is a journey in itself there has been enough progress there to allow space to move forward. No longer being held down by the anxiety of what people could say, would say or even should say.

And while I am very much still picking up the pieces and will enviably have to build up and once again earn the trust of the people I will serve, I am grateful for it because those people will be with me because I am a more integrated version of myself. No longer feeling like I can only show the “spiritual” parts of me, having to maintain myself open at all times but I can allow myself most of all to be human. I can permit myself my own boundaries and feelings toward how life is unfolding and also myself to create as I please without looking outside to confirm if I am doing it right.

I think one thing that is really important to know about your practitioners is that we too are human and while we may be very well connected to Spirit we are also here on a journey of our own. We are not all going to look like the healers of our indigenous ancestors because that is not where we are in this moment. Nevertheless, the personal integrity is there and can be felt.

I consider myself to be a Soul with so much to offer, a little bit bruja, curandera, healer, mystic, mother, lover, hobby farmer, teacher, student, friend and so much more.

I have a deep love and respect for the Earth and I am passionate about assisting other souls along their journey, it is one of my most precious gifts. But when I am not being called to be of service in helping others, I enjoy the human experience from making silly content, shopping, playing with makeup, raising children and chickens and my goodness do I enjoy eating good food.

So that is all for today my friends, I wanted to share a little bit about where I’ve been and where I am at. I Am happy. And I think that we could all use some people around us who are happy too, maybe not happy all of the time but willing to ask the questions and take the actions necessary to find their answers along the way.

I hope you too are feeling happy and confident in yourself. Thank you for being here, I love you.

“The Moment you understand the importance of loving yourself, you will stop hurting others.”

-Thich Nhat Hanh

I believe that we are all born willing and able to express compassion for other beings, we see suffering and do our best to ease their pain. We can see this gift so freely given in children when they see their mother crying, how naturally children offer their healing hugs and a caress of the cheek to let you know they are there with you.

But what happens when compassion is given but is seldom received? What does it subconsciously teach those children who freely give others their love and presence about their own worthiness to receive the same kindness?

From personal experience, I turned into an adult with low self-esteem, mistrusting and unable to ask for help when I need it. Even admitting that forms a knot in my throat.

As much as we now know that we do not need to be validated by others we may still have stored emotions from times when it would have been helpful to have a guide show us what it looks and feels like to have someone lovingly care for you when you are needing to fall apart.

In a meditation earlier this week I sat with the feelings I had absorbed from other people in my life, my mother-in-law and my own mother two prominent figures that came to the forefront. I saw the exchange of energy between my co-dependancy, the desire to be loved, accepted and how those desires opened me right up to have their pain dumped onto me. In doing so, I grew resentful, angry and that hurt blocks the ability to connect with others and to myself.

I have to ask myself at what point did our empathy and compassion for others turn into something that made us ignore boundaries? Is it because we haven’t had limits with others, our focus turned outward that we can’t seem to freely extend that loving attention toward ourselves?

I’ve been asking a lot of these questions lately, which has taken me on a journey inward that looks a lot differently than I thought it might.

I’ve shared about this before, I began practicing Reiki in January of 2018, I felt very guided to learn as I had had a strong knowing that I could heal with my hands. I felt that I had an obligation or calling to help others, in specific I wanted to help people who had also nearly been crushed by the weight of depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation. I wanted to be a shoulder to lean on and I felt that I could be what I once needed so desperately.

“The cure for the pain is in the pain.”

-Rumi

 

It is now that same sentiment that has called me away from that practice and back to myself. Which in many ways has felt like it has broken me once more, chiefly because I thrive when I am of service to others. Helping others gives me a sense of purpose, I feel seen, valued, I feel like my whole body illuminates, I feel proud. In recognizing that I now know that stepping back from working with clients at this time has been the best thing I can do for myself….but it feels selfish.

The last few months have been like waves of feeling like I have no purpose, no role, nothing of value to share, like I cannot teach and once more like there is a knot in my throat like a dam holding back enough water to flood a city. It is that pain that is now teaching my how I came to be a “healer” for others and why now I am being called to be of service to a client of honor, myself.

And when I think of myself that way, there was immediately a disconnect. I believe that in general as women we have learned through our mothers, grandmothers first and then through society what is expected of us on a regular basis. We are must give, give, give until we are depleted and even then we are judged for not appearing to be as if we are not.

I feel that one of our greatest challenges is indeed invoking the power of compassion and healing for ourselves. Because what happens when we were to do so? The outside world would change, we would set limitations where need be and we would not allow anyone to dump their emotions into the gardens of our mind, spirits and body that we have so diligently loved and cared for.

Even knowing that we still doubt, we post-pone and do our best to keep pushing through unable to look at ourselves and be grateful for simply BEING.

I believe this happens because we get stuck not knowing how to practice this compassion towards ourselves. For many including myself, this isn’t something that we have seen others do because if we had our experience would have been changed at its foundation. Extending compassion to ourselves for our pain, perceived weakness and shortcomings would not ruin us but rather lift us up and upon standing we would inevitably lead and inspire others to love themselves as well. The problem has always been in avoiding our own hurt and shifting our attention outward. We cannot really be until we are aware of the discomfort and hurt that we are trying so desperately to hide from everyone, including ourselves.

Today I spent my day doing nothing but the things that I wanted to do.

I put my hair up in some darling Princess Leia buns.

I carefully prepared my favorite avocado toast.

I made a video.

I practiced yoga to stretch my sore legs and felt strong.

I let my breasts take a break from the pressures and expectations of a bra.

I laid out a blanket and ate fruit while basking in the sunshine.

I took a nap.

And while I laid outside listening to the wind chimes, watching the squirrels jump from one tree to another and the chickens quietly roaming around in search of food I imagined what my Creator must have had in mind for the Earth and humanity. Perhaps, a life in which we too could simply BE.

I think it can be hard for us to connect to a life in which we don’t have to identify with a role or purpose, let alone leaving ourselves open to have someone touch us with their pain but I do think that it can be possible for us to heal enough to be kind, loving and gentle with ourselves. I don’t expect it to change all of humanity overnight but I do have faith that we can pull back enough to see that all of that compassion and empathy we feel for others had a source within us and we are that very love that we share with others.

Maybe its time the waters that have long been held back by resentment, loneliness and outward focused purpose must flood our entire being so that we can flourish, so that we can allow ourselves to BE.

The more we try to run from the feelings we have inside of us that want to be know the sooner we can stop pretending, playing roles and looking for others to validate us when we ourselves refuse to do so.

It is okay for us to have been hurt, it is natural for us to want to be loved the way we love others and we do not have to be alone in our minds or our lives. But we do have to claim responsibility for our needs and keep in check where our desires are rooted. Just like we summon the energy to accomplish everything that needs to be done in each of our roles, we have to do our best to give ourselves that grace.

Thank you for being here, it is a privilege to have you reading my words and stories. I am grateful to be afforded the time and space to ask questions and figure it out. My heart will always be open and willing to assist others, I hope that being a friend is enough for now.