“The Moment you understand the importance of loving yourself, you will stop hurting others.”
-Thich Nhat Hanh
I believe that we are all born willing and able to express compassion for other beings, we see suffering and do our best to ease their pain. We can see this gift so freely given in children when they see their mother crying, how naturally children offer their healing hugs and a caress of the cheek to let you know they are there with you.
But what happens when compassion is given but is seldom received? What does it subconsciously teach those children who freely give others their love and presence about their own worthiness to receive the same kindness?
From personal experience, I turned into an adult with low self-esteem, mistrusting and unable to ask for help when I need it. Even admitting that forms a knot in my throat.
As much as we now know that we do not need to be validated by others we may still have stored emotions from times when it would have been helpful to have a guide show us what it looks and feels like to have someone lovingly care for you when you are needing to fall apart.
In a meditation earlier this week I sat with the feelings I had absorbed from other people in my life, my mother-in-law and my own mother two prominent figures that came to the forefront. I saw the exchange of energy between my co-dependancy, the desire to be loved, accepted and how those desires opened me right up to have their pain dumped onto me. In doing so, I grew resentful, angry and that hurt blocks the ability to connect with others and to myself.
I have to ask myself at what point did our empathy and compassion for others turn into something that made us ignore boundaries? Is it because we haven’t had limits with others, our focus turned outward that we can’t seem to freely extend that loving attention toward ourselves?
I’ve been asking a lot of these questions lately, which has taken me on a journey inward that looks a lot differently than I thought it might.
I’ve shared about this before, I began practicing Reiki in January of 2018, I felt very guided to learn as I had had a strong knowing that I could heal with my hands. I felt that I had an obligation or calling to help others, in specific I wanted to help people who had also nearly been crushed by the weight of depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation. I wanted to be a shoulder to lean on and I felt that I could be what I once needed so desperately.
“The cure for the pain is in the pain.”
-Rumi
It is now that same sentiment that has called me away from that practice and back to myself. Which in many ways has felt like it has broken me once more, chiefly because I thrive when I am of service to others. Helping others gives me a sense of purpose, I feel seen, valued, I feel like my whole body illuminates, I feel proud. In recognizing that I now know that stepping back from working with clients at this time has been the best thing I can do for myself….but it feels selfish.
The last few months have been like waves of feeling like I have no purpose, no role, nothing of value to share, like I cannot teach and once more like there is a knot in my throat like a dam holding back enough water to flood a city. It is that pain that is now teaching my how I came to be a “healer” for others and why now I am being called to be of service to a client of honor, myself.
And when I think of myself that way, there was immediately a disconnect. I believe that in general as women we have learned through our mothers, grandmothers first and then through society what is expected of us on a regular basis. We are must give, give, give until we are depleted and even then we are judged for not appearing to be as if we are not.
I feel that one of our greatest challenges is indeed invoking the power of compassion and healing for ourselves. Because what happens when we were to do so? The outside world would change, we would set limitations where need be and we would not allow anyone to dump their emotions into the gardens of our mind, spirits and body that we have so diligently loved and cared for.
Even knowing that we still doubt, we post-pone and do our best to keep pushing through unable to look at ourselves and be grateful for simply BEING.
I believe this happens because we get stuck not knowing how to practice this compassion towards ourselves. For many including myself, this isn’t something that we have seen others do because if we had our experience would have been changed at its foundation. Extending compassion to ourselves for our pain, perceived weakness and shortcomings would not ruin us but rather lift us up and upon standing we would inevitably lead and inspire others to love themselves as well. The problem has always been in avoiding our own hurt and shifting our attention outward. We cannot really be until we are aware of the discomfort and hurt that we are trying so desperately to hide from everyone, including ourselves.
Today I spent my day doing nothing but the things that I wanted to do.
I put my hair up in some darling Princess Leia buns.
I carefully prepared my favorite avocado toast.
I made a video.
I practiced yoga to stretch my sore legs and felt strong.
I let my breasts take a break from the pressures and expectations of a bra.
I laid out a blanket and ate fruit while basking in the sunshine.
I took a nap.
And while I laid outside listening to the wind chimes, watching the squirrels jump from one tree to another and the chickens quietly roaming around in search of food I imagined what my Creator must have had in mind for the Earth and humanity. Perhaps, a life in which we too could simply BE.
I think it can be hard for us to connect to a life in which we don’t have to identify with a role or purpose, let alone leaving ourselves open to have someone touch us with their pain but I do think that it can be possible for us to heal enough to be kind, loving and gentle with ourselves. I don’t expect it to change all of humanity overnight but I do have faith that we can pull back enough to see that all of that compassion and empathy we feel for others had a source within us and we are that very love that we share with others.
Maybe its time the waters that have long been held back by resentment, loneliness and outward focused purpose must flood our entire being so that we can flourish, so that we can allow ourselves to BE.
The more we try to run from the feelings we have inside of us that want to be know the sooner we can stop pretending, playing roles and looking for others to validate us when we ourselves refuse to do so.
It is okay for us to have been hurt, it is natural for us to want to be loved the way we love others and we do not have to be alone in our minds or our lives. But we do have to claim responsibility for our needs and keep in check where our desires are rooted. Just like we summon the energy to accomplish everything that needs to be done in each of our roles, we have to do our best to give ourselves that grace.
Thank you for being here, it is a privilege to have you reading my words and stories. I am grateful to be afforded the time and space to ask questions and figure it out. My heart will always be open and willing to assist others, I hope that being a friend is enough for now.
