Sometimes it feels like writing isn’t enough.

As if putting my thoughts and feelings into words could not possibly capture the sensation of any given experience.

I am sitting down to write and the evening light is shining in through the windows, illuminating the flower of life stickers creating rainbow upon rainbow that fill the room. The smell of my husband cooking chili, the sounds of the birds flapping their wings and the washer spinning the sheets. I pause from time to time to pet the sleeping pup on the sofa where she shouldn’t be and also exactly where I’d like her to be. I look around at my home and I see all of the ways in which this was the space designed for my growth.

Maybe words are enough, maybe they do have their special way of allowing us to assign them our own perceptions and emotions.

It becomes too funny that peace never really looks like what we thought it should or would be and yet, here it is, living within the chaos that is the every day life.

Each day I am reminded that peace is always present, we have to be willing to surrender to it especially when we feel like we have to be in control of everything. I feel like we get stuck when we believe peace or relaxation to mean that we aren’t actively doing enough to support the present situation and yet it is the opposite. When I allow peace into my present that is the only way in which I have everything I need available to me.

Our son being diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes last night flipped our world upside down, it has been a lesson I could not have anticipated with any amount of angel numbers, ringing ears or feathers. Even if I could have anticipated it, I cannot imagine that I would’ve made anything better because frankly, I did everything that was within my power when the situation PRESENTED itself.

I was enough then just as I am enough now.

That has been a big part of my lesson that I have been chewing on for the last week.

At first, I internally went through the rollercoaster of emotions that come with a life-changing diagnosis like diabetes. I wondered if I failed my son, if I should’ve been more crunchy and stricter with the sugar intake. I asked myself the hundreds of “what if” questions only to find myself in the middle of all of that doubt and see myself as having done enough.

As I begin to walk on this new journey, I see that I am not alone, God within me, my family beside me and my ancestors all around I see that this lesson has not only applied to my sons diagnosis but to my whole life.

My thirty-fifth birthday is fast approaching and while the number itself doesn’t phase me, it is the growth I cannot fathom being measured by a number as if 35 could possibly describe what has been experienced, lived and grieved in those years.

There is a growing sense of peace as I look back on the parts of my life in which I used to cringe and feel shame. Thinking of myself as so dumb for making the choices that I did, what good has being so critical of my past self ever brought to my lives?

It is now, as I approach and God willing get to celebrate this next chapter of life that I seek to transmute this critical energy. Wrapping all of my past selves in a golden light of warmth, gratitude and peace knowing full well that each part of me has been enough in getting me here.

Even when the waters are unknown, when its dark and I am not quite sure that I have what it takes to make it through, I find a way.

Something I find freeing about life is that it continues to move through space and time, we struggle when we drag our heels trying to hold onto something that cannot be changed.

That was certainly me for the first twenty five year of my life until I felt all of my blood hit the floor the moment the doctor told me I was pregnant with my oldest Vivienne and although I had never been a mother before I had an idea of the kind of mother I wanted to be and everything since that moment has been me doing my best. It was quite literally a no brainer, the moment had arrived for me to become a mother and I was going to figure it out like my life depended on it.

I like to reflect on that moment because it puts into perspective how simple a choice to be better can be. I think the majority of times we make these kind of life altering choices for or because of others, as a young woman so many of my choices were based upon the man I was with, now as a maturing woman I find myself making choices for me.

Doing so has brought me face to face with my insecurities and all of the reasons and excuses why I would do for others what I didn’t believe I could do for myself.

A victim of my upbringing, inability to properly attach to my caregivers and fear of self-expression.

Those stories bore me.

I’m in a space in my life now where there isn’t much of any drama, the chaos that surrounded the first part of my life has for the most part now settled and I would be naive to think that it will get “easier” now because in reality now is where we truly start to meet our challenges because we are beginning to understand our past mistakes and choose again whether to repeat or take that energy and choose a new pathway.

June and the color Green was filled with emotional energy I had to open the door to and now as we are shifting into July and the color Red I get to decide what I want to do with that charge.

June brought me truth, I had to walk right up to myself and ask “what are you waiting for? Better yet, who are you waiting on?” ME. I’m waiting on me.

Thats the thing with storing emotions, lies and choking back your expression, it doesn’t allow for you to let life float you on to where you are meant to be and being multi-dimentional sometimes its easy to miss the subtle ways in which we constrict from fear because we’ve gotten to used to doing it that it becomes second nature to us. But there you have it, SECOND nature, what about our original nature?

My original nature?

It is getting easier to see and feel her, it feels like my spine is breaking from the calcification when I think about how free and uninhibited I once was early in life, letting me know I am on the right track.

Red is a color of passion, raw emotion, vitality, life force, it’s aggressive, impulsive and dominant. Most of its qualities I’ve lost touch with within myself and every time I work with it be it even something as simple as a red lip I feel myself wanting to withdraw from the attention.

What is it about red that elevates your energy? What makes your blood rise and your attention focus?

I can already tell that this months color and overall energy is going to be like an AED to my heart and I have to be aware of where the energy is going to because for all of the positive qualities red has, it’s negative qualities have the ability to hurt others.

Maybe that is part of this journey, is becoming aware of why I have feared working with certain energies until I felt justified to do so, most often something happening to me.

I have feared the powerful energy that comes with destruction but it necessary for new life.

I have feared my power of creation when it isn’t being used for the purpose of creating children.

I have feared my passion because I have known it to shed light on humiliation, shame and anger.

This month, I am challenging myself not to run, I’m challenging myself not to quit and to feel the force and magnitude of this clairsentience and be strong in it.

Well here I am.

They say “the only way out is through” and I’m here to report back some of my findings as I am navigating my way through a history of childhood sexual abuse.

When I began this green month of June and even in the preparation leading up to it I knew that there was going to be heavy clearing and that has never felt out of the ordinary for me, some roots feel more like taproots. I thought or should I say expected it to simply be necessary crying, I wasn’t expecting to have to speak up and in a way I feel very humbled by what these last few weeks have had to offer.

I think sometimes we need to be led to believe that making peace and having forgiveness within ourselves is enough and maybe because that is the most important level to get clear on. However, when align with your integrity within it has to be the same not he outside and even though that may feel harder, it is and it isn’t.

I had to make peace within myself when it came to the abuse I endured as a child when I was living it because otherwise I could not possibly have believed that the people closest to me where safe to exist around. Unplugging and healing from the effects of Stockholm syndrome is truthfully something that I have finally accepted that I will be needing assistance with. The roots of that fracture have touched my partnerships even up until now and it has become a daily, momentary choice to listen to what my body is saying and feel safe in my marriage.

I have had to ask myself for forgiveness because I didn’t know any better and even when I did know better I didn’t have the ears to listen to my body. I betrayed her so that others could use me and I will spend the rest of my life treating my body the way she deserves to be treated and protecting her from harm.

In taking that vow for myself, it only became natural that the truth had to be expressed. I observed my mind go nuts, looking for every conceivable way in which the truth could be held in and I could “make peace” with pretending because so long as I knew the truth inside that would be enough.

It isn’t enough.

I could have held it in, I could have waited until he died and *maybe* then be free of the weight of each and every lie it has taken to uphold this illusion.

Yet the question remained, my innocent inner child still asking the same question “why?”

Why did this happen to me?

Why do people do this to children?

Why am I still allowing him around me or my children?

Why am I choosing this illusion over the integrity of MY LIFE?

One thing I love about my life is the PEACE in it. The first twenty-five years of my life felt like chaos, I’ve done a lot of inner work to get to this place in my life where I can wholeheartedly say I don’t engage in or attract drama, I mind my business and my focus is on making life beautiful. We have three very active and vibrant children and a lot of animals, I want to love them all while they are within my arms reach. I am here now.

Ultimately, what it came down to was breaking the “bonds” that kept my energy compressed, physically feeling like I had to cover up and emotionally as if I could not speak a word. You know those dreams in which you feel like you’re screaming for your life but nothing comes out? It felt like that.

We all have to make this choice at some point friends, how long are we going to be held back by the lies we’ve had to tell on the behalf of others and why are we still lying now?

There is no doubt that it is challenging, the way through takes you through every part of yourself that has been compressed by the weight of these lies. It’s what is meant when by “playing small.” Which then also brings the realization that the kind of people who inflict this pain on others are themselves small or have also been made to feel that way. Hurt people hurt people.

One, of many things I have learned is that it is not my responsibility to heal everyone because they are hurting and taking on their pain as my own. This pain was hurting me, my marriage and I wasn’t willing to allow it to hurt my children.

I may not have had the courage to do it for myself in the past but something about being a mother makes you protect your children and that now includes my inner child as well. I will tear down every illusion necessary if it means protecting their innocence and light.

One question I get often, is in the “how” and having the courage to rise to our challenges when we are afraid that they will destroy us or that the feelings and emotions will completely derail us. To that I say that making the journey is inevitable, while you may believe you have the choice on whether or not to address it, you may think you can continue to suppress your emotions because you believe its the one thing you have control over….you don’t, your emotions are running you.

This lesson took 25 years for me to finally open the door and walk through but it didn’t happen all at once. I’ve said it before, I’m a dip my toes in the water first kind of girl until I decide I’m ready to jump in. I jumped in when I was ready, I felt safe and supported within myself and with my family. I had to get into a space where I KNEW without a doubt that no matter whatever came of me telling the truth of what happened to me all of those years ago that nothing could shake my integrity anymore. I know others may not be so fortunate, most often and especially with cases of sexual abuse relationships are lost and structures are torn apart. I believe it is necessary and that is what the power of the truth. Sometimes ugly, shameful and dark but it has to see the light of day because while it in hidden away within you it eats at you like a parasite, HOW much energy are you willing to sacrifice? How many times are you willing to allow that part of yourself to be chewed on and suffer?

I said no more.

I hope that when you’re ready you’ll let that darkness come out too, its not yours.

As you may have noticed, this June is encompassed by the color green. A color representing the heart chakra, nature and in my perception the Divine Mother.

Maybe it has a bit to do with the fact that we’re now in Mercury retrograde but the shift into this energy has been undeniable. Where blue helped to clarify my vision, green is currently cleaning house within my heart ie. I feel exhausted and the desire to want to cry has been subtly underlying the days this week.

Since the beginning of the year I have been implementing each color of the month in my wardrobe but also in the foods I eat and crystals I carry as a means to apply what I suppose you could call “color therapy” into my healing practice.

Doing this has allowed me to place my focus on the creative aspects, attuning my vision to what I want to see and allowing the color and energy to do the work in guiding me.

Here is what I have discovered this week thus far:

My heart is still very much that chatty little girl with a lot of questions, friendly, warm and with such a blend of green and gold that neon has felt the most appropriate to express this visually. If I had to put it into one word I would say vibrant. Now that I am allowing myself the quiet reflection to acknowledge this I very much understand the underlying emotion this week because I am remembering.

Green feels like home. It is like going into the woods and being surrounded by the trees, wind blowing through them and its the kind of quiet your mind cannot help but surrender to.

The timing of it as always is perfect, we’re now on the brink of summer but with plenty of rain coming in as if nature herself is showing my what is taking place within me. I won’t deny I tend to be more of an “indoorsy” kind of gal but when everything begins to turn green and the days are sunny it is like a magnet.

This magnet also feels like it is pulling at my heart, removing the “impurities” that are now ready to be cleansed in order to shine a little brighter, a little truer.

So this is where I’m at friends. Doing my best, trying new things, staying consistent with the practices I already know work for me and getting my feet into the grass daily.

If green means go, then this is a month that I go into trusting the clarity and intuition I gained the month prior. I want that chatty little girl with a heart of gold to lead me.

I hope you’ll enjoy some of the outfits I had fun putting together this week and most of all I hope you’ll be inspired to incorporate green into your life intentionally and see what comes up for you!