Well friends, it’s been a minute since a blog post.
I went through an internal “deep cleaning” if you will and wasn’t sure if I even wanted to be writing anymore. To be frank, the world has changed and as it is speeding up I have to recognize that not everyone in my audience wants or is willing to make the time to sit down and read a blog post.
As I was sitting with myself through the most cringey and uncomfortable parts of my growth, I’ve realized maybe not wanting to write anymore was less about the audience and more about my unwillingness to invest in my writing.
DAMN. OKAY.
Maybe writing isn’t your thing but I know you have a “thing” that you enjoy doing and want to share with others and simply do not do so because (insert excuse here).
And well if that hasn’t been the overarching theme during this month then idk what is.
Last month the lesson seemed to be about recognizing our value and this month it has been understanding why even when we recognize our value we still don’t invest in ourselves, don’t take action because we’re expecting to be shamed for stepping out with the audacity of believing in ourselves.
*gasp*
One of my deepest wounds was the last time I got on stage in fifth grade to sing at the talent show. I had been sick in the days prior and I tried to back out but the teacher in charge of the show told me I couldn’t. While I had rehearsed multiple, multiple times (singing “My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion as I was OBSESSED with Titanic at the time) my throat was still sore and to say I my performance was pitchy would be an understatement. While I did my best, upon returning to the classroom my classmates made eyes at each other, smirking and laughing, I felt humiliated. To make matters worse, my dad actually came to this talent show only to ridicule me at home, my passion for singing was put out in one day.
My point in sharing this being that as an adult now I can accept that my purpose was not to be a singer and that is ok, I can still enjoy singing as I please because I don’t have to think about anyone judging my ability.
As we move through our healing, mustering up all of the courage possible to present our creative babies to the world we no doubt will feel that fear come up again and we have to ask ourselves “will I invest in the fear or will I invest in myself?” The saying “it doesn’t get easier we get stronger” is probably not what we want to hear but nevertheless rings true. We have to become the brave guardian angel that our inner children needed in those moments in which we were first wounded, wrapping ourselves in courage and above all faith that the projections cannot truly hurt us unless we believe them to be our truth.
And so I suppose what I am getting at here today is that we need to have some AUDACITY.
Audacity to be:
human.
the main character.
happy.
invested.
constant.
growing.
able.
the hero.
I know for me I am striving every day to have the audacity to be many roles at once and believe that I can be them all well because above all I remember that I am love.
I heard a quote today that said “Passion is anger and love combined” and when I say I was shook I really mean I was instantly liberated.
I remembered that I am love but I have tried for so many years to pretend like I’m not angry. I am angry that I was born into a family who swept their pain under the rug so many years that it has harmed every first born NEARLY irreparably, I feel angry that I feel like I cannot heal enough so as to ensure that my children don’t feel that pain, the list goes on, I FEEL ANGRY.
But you know what? I am not the first one in my lineage to have felt that anger but I will be the first one who decides not to bottle that anger up anymore but instead gets to know it and transmute it into gold.
Right here in this moment I claim this anger and I also claim the wealth that will benefit the generations that have been born through me.
That is my passion, healing, alchemy, self-fulfillment through JOY, teaching, writing, speaking and whatever else I choose to express myself through.
This blog post is dedicated to you my friend, the one who tries to pretend like you aren’t angry, the one who still has beautiful parts of themselves buried under shame, let yourself RISE. You keep telling yourself that you are broken and in that belief continue to invest in everyone else around you, watering them and refusing to water yourself thinking that you are infertile soil when the truth is myself & the universe around you has been giving you sign after sign that YOU NEED WATER (literally and figuratively!).
Are you afraid of what will grow?
