Hearts of Gold

Well here I am.

They say “the only way out is through” and I’m here to report back some of my findings as I am navigating my way through a history of childhood sexual abuse.

When I began this green month of June and even in the preparation leading up to it I knew that there was going to be heavy clearing and that has never felt out of the ordinary for me, some roots feel more like taproots. I thought or should I say expected it to simply be necessary crying, I wasn’t expecting to have to speak up and in a way I feel very humbled by what these last few weeks have had to offer.

I think sometimes we need to be led to believe that making peace and having forgiveness within ourselves is enough and maybe because that is the most important level to get clear on. However, when align with your integrity within it has to be the same not he outside and even though that may feel harder, it is and it isn’t.

I had to make peace within myself when it came to the abuse I endured as a child when I was living it because otherwise I could not possibly have believed that the people closest to me where safe to exist around. Unplugging and healing from the effects of Stockholm syndrome is truthfully something that I have finally accepted that I will be needing assistance with. The roots of that fracture have touched my partnerships even up until now and it has become a daily, momentary choice to listen to what my body is saying and feel safe in my marriage.

I have had to ask myself for forgiveness because I didn’t know any better and even when I did know better I didn’t have the ears to listen to my body. I betrayed her so that others could use me and I will spend the rest of my life treating my body the way she deserves to be treated and protecting her from harm.

In taking that vow for myself, it only became natural that the truth had to be expressed. I observed my mind go nuts, looking for every conceivable way in which the truth could be held in and I could “make peace” with pretending because so long as I knew the truth inside that would be enough.

It isn’t enough.

I could have held it in, I could have waited until he died and *maybe* then be free of the weight of each and every lie it has taken to uphold this illusion.

Yet the question remained, my innocent inner child still asking the same question “why?”

Why did this happen to me?

Why do people do this to children?

Why am I still allowing him around me or my children?

Why am I choosing this illusion over the integrity of MY LIFE?

 

 

One thing I love about my life is the PEACE in it. The first twenty-five years of my life felt like chaos, I’ve done a lot of inner work to get to this place in my life where I can wholeheartedly say I don’t engage in or attract drama, I mind my business and my focus is on making life beautiful. We have three very active and vibrant children and a lot of animals, I want to love them all while they are within my arms reach. I am here now.

Ultimately, what it came down to was breaking the “bonds” that kept my energy compressed, physically feeling like I had to cover up and emotionally as if I could not speak a word. You know those dreams in which you feel like you’re screaming for your life but nothing comes out? It felt like that.

We all have to make this choice at some point friends, how long are we going to be held back by the lies we’ve had to tell on the behalf of others and why are we still lying now?

There is no doubt that it is challenging, the way through takes you through every part of yourself that has been compressed by the weight of these lies. It’s what is meant when by “playing small.” Which then also brings the realization that the kind of people who inflict this pain on others are themselves small or have also been made to feel that way. Hurt people hurt people.

One, of many things I have learned is that it is not my responsibility to heal everyone because they are hurting and taking on their pain as my own. This pain was hurting me, my marriage and I wasn’t willing to allow it to hurt my children.

I may not have had the courage to do it for myself in the past but something about being a mother makes you protect your children and that now includes my inner child as well. I will tear down every illusion necessary if it means protecting their innocence and light.

One question I get often, is in the “how” and having the courage to rise to our challenges when we are afraid that they will destroy us or that the feelings and emotions will completely derail us. To that I say that making the journey is inevitable, while you may believe you have the choice on whether or not to address it, you may think you can continue to suppress your emotions because you believe its the one thing you have control over….you don’t, your emotions are running you.

This lesson took 25 years for me to finally open the door and walk through but it didn’t happen all at once. I’ve said it before, I’m a dip my toes in the water first kind of girl until I decide I’m ready to jump in. I jumped in when I was ready, I felt safe and supported within myself and with my family. I had to get into a space where I KNEW without a doubt that no matter whatever came of me telling the truth of what happened to me all of those years ago that nothing could shake my integrity anymore. I know others may not be so fortunate, most often and especially with cases of sexual abuse relationships are lost and structures are torn apart. I believe it is necessary and that is what the power of the truth. Sometimes ugly, shameful and dark but it has to see the light of day because while it in hidden away within you it eats at you like a parasite, HOW much energy are you willing to sacrifice? How many times are you willing to allow that part of yourself to be chewed on and suffer?

I said no more.

I hope that when you’re ready you’ll let that darkness come out too, its not yours.