I knew I wanted to share this story but I didn’t consider the ways in which I would sit here staring at the screen and crying. So I apologize if this isn’t as “well written” as I think it better to simply allow the emotions the space to flow and say what they need to.
Around Vida’s birthday I had been doing a lot of reminiscing, as I think most mothers do when their babies are getting older. Not that it is exclusive to birthdays, I find myself doing it often. How do they grow so fast?? In this case, I felt like I had to be really honest with myself if I was wanting to have another child or if three really is our number and we’re all done. After all, we have been been saying we were done having children since Vivienne and look at us now. But I think there is a much deeper kind of honesty once you’ve already had three children because realistically it does take quite a bit to raise them, not just financially but on all levels.
By the time Vida’s birthday came so did my moon. It was early and more painful that I had had in many years. It was different, I felt different.
I have done my best for quiet a while now to stay connected to my body, I try to listen to her, keep track of my rhythms and since that moon nothing felt quite right.
Two weeks later at what would have been my ovulation date I began to spot and the cramping never seemed to stop. After a couple of days I finally took a home pregnancy test and sure enough, PREGNANT.
You can imagine that this came as a shock, I cried a lot. I knew in that moment something wasn’t right, a trip to the urgent care confirmed the pregnancy again putting me at about five weeks which didn’t make any sense to me.
I have never been one to bleed during my pregnancies so five weeks was extremely confusing.
We had the HCG levels tested again within 48 hours and it confirmed that they were declining and I should expect to miscarry.
A big part of me feels so silly grieving this loss the way it has affected me but I wanted that baby from the moment I began to felt my symptoms. And something that makes it feel harder to grieve is that I don’t know how or when I got pregnant due to how irregular my cycle had been during that time.
I have so many questions.
Was I pregnant in January and miscarried at the beginning of February?
Or did I get pregnant in February and miscarry very early on?
Why were my levels so high?
What was the point?
February was really tough emotionally and honestly I feel like I have been floating but with my hands clawing to dig into the Earth doing everything I can to care for myself, to feel everything this experience has had to offer me even though it also feels like it could rips me into shreds.
It is such an interesting thing to experience grief in this way where you still have other children to care for and have to put your grief inside of a box just to get up and make breakfast, wash laundry and go about your day waiting to the few minutes you have to yourself to cry after everyone has gone to sleep or maybe in the shower.
My mind knows that this is something that happens, it is not uncommon, but my body..she knows. I know.
I knew before I took the test that it was going to be positive, I had been having a lot of dreams leading up to it. One dream in particular in which I saw myself having a miscarriage and I suppose that is an element that makes it even harder was that I really hoped it would be different.
I took a pregnancy test on 2-22 I thought to myself immediately how magical, I cannot wait to write down your special date that we found out we were expecting you. I had a dream that night in which I found myself at the beach, before the last rays of sunlight have gone home and I very clearly heard the name “Bridger” which I was told meant to “bridge together two worlds.”
I will hold that name forever close to my heart.
This life experience had been a reminder of how much is outside of our control and it has brought up such an intense anxiety that I am navigating with as much compassion for myself as possible.
Our plan with having children had always been “whatever God gives us, we’re good.” We’ve been given three extraordinary, healthy children and for that I am so thankful. If I can find any gratitude right now it is that my children who are here with me now made it safely and I must appreciate that more often.
