I spent the entire day outside in awe of how flawlessly Mother Nature pulls herself back together time and time again. We drove through Kentucky in the earlier part of the day and my darling husband pulled over just to let me get the my hands in the waves of grass and my oldest daughter and son soon followed, eager to feel the wind and grass beneath them. Looking around its almost funny to see how she whips her hair back and forth, effortlessly flexing her green grasses, decorating herself with an abundance of flowers that even the trees can’t help but howl in support.
It wasn’t particularly a long winter but the amount of behind the scenes work that I went through brought back what felt like many waves of depression that I felt like I had no choice but to let go and for someone who has fought so hard to remain in control it was both the most freeing experience and also the scariest.
I don’t really know how to put into words the feeling of being both humbled and exalted. I had to merge together pieces of me that I didn’t think fit into myself anymore and it was only through the isolation, letting go of the spiritual practices and getting really quiet that I realized that there is always room for more, it isn’t always just about letting go.
One of the things with social media is that allowing yourself to be seen in whichever way you choose to present yourself also allows for people to make assumptions about who you are and what you should be. In this moment we are in, although it is wonderful that so many are interested in healing and spirituality, ironically it still comes with a lot of judgment from within the community.
In my case I was feeling like I had to stick to only speaking about my traumas and stories, there wasn’t space to talk about other parts of me that are perfectly human and although temporary in nature still valid and enjoyable. The truth is that for me that role, identity or whatever you may call it felt like another box. The same kind of boxes that I have worked so hard to climb out of and part of the foundation of the messages I was offering of self-trust, self-love and willingness to live a full life.
Towards the end of 2020, I knew very clear in my heart that I had to surrender my practice and shift the way that I was presenting myself on social media and it was terrifying. I once again began to question everything, to the point where I was doubting if the gifts that I had were ever meant to be shared, if I even wanted to share them and where I began to believe that I had to share this with others. To be perfectly honest I wasn’t sure if I was taking the right path for me at all but it is now that I see that this brief journey was absolutely necessary for me to gain clarity on all of my questions and the clearly see the trust that I have in myself.
I feel really proud of myself for being willing to surrender it, to trust and believe that whatever God had in store for me was what is right for my growth and here I Am, once again being asked and given the opportunity to assist and serve others in the journeys.
How humbling to be taken on a journey that I will be able to help guide others on, to be able to walk with them with a heart full of trust saying “yes, its scary but you can and will do it.”
I held my first reiki session in months over the weekend and there was not a shred of doubt that I was doing what I was meant to do. It was more than the angel numbers and synchronicities, it was PURE FEELING. Everything was in perfect alignment and as I move forward feeling stronger within myself I know that I am in the best position to be a coach, a guide, a friend, a mother, wife and daughter of the Most High.
One of the things that came up for me over and over during these months in hermit and healing mode was that I felt like an imposter which I’m sure many struggle with that feeling as well. Mostly, I doubted myself because that is the way I have done it for well, most of my life. A deep rooted fear of being wrong. of wanting to get it perfect and not wanting to be seen in a way that brings feelings of shame or inadequacy. The thing is, that was all an opportunity for me to go in an love myself, a time for me to really ask myself if any of those feelings are true.
And while the process of the letting those thoughts and feelings fizzle out, no longer feeding them is a journey in itself there has been enough progress there to allow space to move forward. No longer being held down by the anxiety of what people could say, would say or even should say.
And while I am very much still picking up the pieces and will enviably have to build up and once again earn the trust of the people I will serve, I am grateful for it because those people will be with me because I am a more integrated version of myself. No longer feeling like I can only show the “spiritual” parts of me, having to maintain myself open at all times but I can allow myself most of all to be human. I can permit myself my own boundaries and feelings toward how life is unfolding and also myself to create as I please without looking outside to confirm if I am doing it right.
I think one thing that is really important to know about your practitioners is that we too are human and while we may be very well connected to Spirit we are also here on a journey of our own. We are not all going to look like the healers of our indigenous ancestors because that is not where we are in this moment. Nevertheless, the personal integrity is there and can be felt.
I consider myself to be a Soul with so much to offer, a little bit bruja, curandera, healer, mystic, mother, lover, hobby farmer, teacher, student, friend and so much more.
I have a deep love and respect for the Earth and I am passionate about assisting other souls along their journey, it is one of my most precious gifts. But when I am not being called to be of service in helping others, I enjoy the human experience from making silly content, shopping, playing with makeup, raising children and chickens and my goodness do I enjoy eating good food.
So that is all for today my friends, I wanted to share a little bit about where I’ve been and where I am at. I Am happy. And I think that we could all use some people around us who are happy too, maybe not happy all of the time but willing to ask the questions and take the actions necessary to find their answers along the way.
I hope you too are feeling happy and confident in yourself. Thank you for being here, I love you.
