Well here is me writing something I never thought I’d write, the 2021 Paintball season has begun and I’m not even remotely upset about it.
To share some back story, my husband Casey has been playing paintball for nine years now which is almost the entire length of our marriage and while maybe paintball may not be as well known of a sport it is a lifestyle for those who commit to it. I certainly did not know that going into it as a paintball wife.
As we headed to Louisville this weekend to join my partner for the MSXL tournament, I remembered how naive I was the first time we ever went up there. Vivienne was just a few months old, I was still a new wife trying to get to know my husband and really had no idea what to expect. It is pretty wild to me now to be making this road trip with three children considering how long the years in between have felt.
It may seem pretty silly to those who may not know what the paintball schedule is like but a commitment to a team as a wife means you won’t be seeing a lot of your husband on the weekends from February to November and when you’re a stay at home mom, you know that weekends are the days that you get some much needed support.
To be honest, its never been about the time he’s away but the way it triggered so many unhealed emotions within me from abandonment wounds to co-dependency and everything in between. When the first year or so went by and I realized just how much of his attention it required I grew to resent everything to do with the sport. I felt so angry that this meant so much to him that he was willing to spend that kind of money and time away from home to do it when I was here taking care of the family we chose to have together. And to be honest, there are a lot of times I still feel that way, it puts a knot in my throat and I have threatened to leave more times than I can count.
When I began my healing journey, it only added to that pain because I felt like he wasn’t making any effort to begin his own journey and it felt like we were living together but miles apart.
It is funny now because in truth, not much has changed but I have. Him playing with a team means that he’s gone a lot but the emotions that would rise up and consume me don’t have the power they once did. I really feel that the last nine years have given me the opportunity to look at myself and ask what I want to do for myself that makes me really happy and not feel guilty for wanting something for myself that is independent of my family. It has made me look at the many different facets of my partner and grow to love each one, him being more than a provider, lover, husband or father. I have grown to respect him but more importantly respect myself, learning just how far I have gone in the past to please a partner but seldom choosing to go that same distance for myself and that has liberated the knot from my throat and lifted a massive boulder from my chest.
I think a lot of us struggle with that whether you are a mother, wife, partner, whatever. We normalize going to extraordinary distances for people that we empathize with and care for but when it comes to ourselves and the things we enjoy doing that bring us to life? We settle for our excuses, we limit ourselves with nasty self-talk and we’re in pain when if we made the space for ourselves we could be so happy and create more happiness in our lives and for those people we care so much about.
The change in my perspective has come from a deep surrender, of realizing that I cannot control my partner, I cannot make him see me the way I want him to until I see myself that way and also in a major understanding that because he views his role as a parent differently than I do does not mean that I get to subject him to my judgement. I still get to choose how I want to be a mother, I still get to be clear about my time and being a stay at home mom doesn’t mean that I don’t deserve the space to work on my creative projects or build the business I dream of.
I spent many years feeling so angry, feeling like I was being taken advantage of and I am so grateful to realize that being married does not mean that we must be in mental shackles. It was my belief around what I thought marriage should be that kept me stuck and feeling like I was left behind to struggle alone.
This weekend was really beautiful for me and I hardly spent any time with my partner outside of the time we spent in the van driving but that time together we communicated and the time away I spent doing what I love, enjoying being a mom and adventuring with my children. We came back together once the tournament was over and enjoyed a drive home, ate dinner together and while I am comfortable in bed (which wow isn’t that the best feeling?!) he is watching Jurassic Park with our children.
This July makes ten years of marriage, if you’d ask me what I thought was a key in making it this far I would tell you that trying to control your partner will twist your perception of them and it doesn’t serve either of you. It is possible to be free within a marriage and have a true partnership with boundaries but most importantly respect.
