Something I find freeing about life is that it continues to move through space and time, we struggle when we drag our heels trying to hold onto something that cannot be changed.
That was certainly me for the first twenty five year of my life until I felt all of my blood hit the floor the moment the doctor told me I was pregnant with my oldest Vivienne and although I had never been a mother before I had an idea of the kind of mother I wanted to be and everything since that moment has been me doing my best. It was quite literally a no brainer, the moment had arrived for me to become a mother and I was going to figure it out like my life depended on it.
I like to reflect on that moment because it puts into perspective how simple a choice to be better can be. I think the majority of times we make these kind of life altering choices for or because of others, as a young woman so many of my choices were based upon the man I was with, now as a maturing woman I find myself making choices for me.
Doing so has brought me face to face with my insecurities and all of the reasons and excuses why I would do for others what I didn’t believe I could do for myself.
A victim of my upbringing, inability to properly attach to my caregivers and fear of self-expression.
Those stories bore me.
I’m in a space in my life now where there isn’t much of any drama, the chaos that surrounded the first part of my life has for the most part now settled and I would be naive to think that it will get “easier” now because in reality now is where we truly start to meet our challenges because we are beginning to understand our past mistakes and choose again whether to repeat or take that energy and choose a new pathway.
June and the color Green was filled with emotional energy I had to open the door to and now as we are shifting into July and the color Red I get to decide what I want to do with that charge.
June brought me truth, I had to walk right up to myself and ask “what are you waiting for? Better yet, who are you waiting on?” ME. I’m waiting on me.
Thats the thing with storing emotions, lies and choking back your expression, it doesn’t allow for you to let life float you on to where you are meant to be and being multi-dimentional sometimes its easy to miss the subtle ways in which we constrict from fear because we’ve gotten to used to doing it that it becomes second nature to us. But there you have it, SECOND nature, what about our original nature?
My original nature?
It is getting easier to see and feel her, it feels like my spine is breaking from the calcification when I think about how free and uninhibited I once was early in life, letting me know I am on the right track.
Red is a color of passion, raw emotion, vitality, life force, it’s aggressive, impulsive and dominant. Most of its qualities I’ve lost touch with within myself and every time I work with it be it even something as simple as a red lip I feel myself wanting to withdraw from the attention.
What is it about red that elevates your energy? What makes your blood rise and your attention focus?
I can already tell that this months color and overall energy is going to be like an AED to my heart and I have to be aware of where the energy is going to because for all of the positive qualities red has, it’s negative qualities have the ability to hurt others.
Maybe that is part of this journey, is becoming aware of why I have feared working with certain energies until I felt justified to do so, most often something happening to me.
I have feared the powerful energy that comes with destruction but it necessary for new life.
I have feared my power of creation when it isn’t being used for the purpose of creating children.
I have feared my passion because I have known it to shed light on humiliation, shame and anger.
This month, I am challenging myself not to run, I’m challenging myself not to quit and to feel the force and magnitude of this clairsentience and be strong in it.
