Five Daughters Bakery-12 South
I grew up in a Catholic, Mexican household.
The first born, first generation Mexican-American, female, you could say that “no” was something that I heard often. Something I feel that isn’t spoken about enough is the expectations that are placed on the children who are either bi-racial or born first generation American in their family. In my experience, I knew early on that I had to be really good at both speaking Spanish and speaking English without an accent. I recognized the ways in which I would never be able to wear things that were “too Mexican” and yet had to retain just enough of my culture to know that I needed to respect my elders and “Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother.”
Growing up in American to Mexico born parents meant that my friends in school had a much different way of living even if they lived in the same neighborhood or went to the same school. I didn’t get to attend sleepovers, stay up passed an 8:30pm bed time and I most certainly would never even dream of taking back and slamming my door. I couldn’t wear makeup before the age of 15, much less date and the rules weren’t to be questioned. No meant no.
You get used to it. You get used to not asking for anything because you already know the answer is going to be no and that belief stuck with me into my thirties. A belief that is so closely intertwined with the belief that “beggars can’t be choosers” and it took a lot of healing work to replace that belief. It began to seep its way into my own parenting, manifesting as both lack and overcompensation, a lack of boundaries with my children, not saying “no” when necessary and then witnessing all of us unable to have our true needs met.
One of the toughest parts of homeschooling for us, or should I say for me is the freedom. It goes so much further than homeschooling because truly we are all learning how to live life together and when you go through to do your inner child healing there is this incredible personal freedom that comes with it but then what? We understand now that its not healthy to be overbearing and strict but never saying no is also an excess and comes with its own imbalances.
Our oldest daughter was an only child for nearly five years, we were so sure of ourselves as young parents thinking that we were only going to have one child. We had no problem giving her everything she wanted, my husband worked a lot while he was in the Army during those years and her and I had no boundaries. We were always together, whatever she wanted she got, I never wanted her to feel the way that I did growing up and in order to avoid being the strict parent I wanted to be the cool mom.
Then our son was born and two years later our youngest daughter was born and boundaries became necessary. It’s been an adjustment for our oldest and there has had to be a lot of patience because she has now had to learn that the boundaries and “no’s” aren’t intended to be mean or hurtful but are healthy and necessary. You want to talk about inner child healing? It’s an entirely different experience when you are going through it at the same time you are getting to walk your own child through it. How important it is to have the conversations and sit through the emotional outbursts that come with “no” when it feels easier to just give in. Those are the moments where you really learn about yourself as a parent and gauge your own inner child work because it can be very triggering, it helps me to continue to come back to a space of compassion for myself and my child to know that it is best to help guide her through these boundaries now than later when the stories become long held beliefs about why she cannot get what she wants out of life.
Learning to find the balance is, at this stage in our parenting vital and also something that we have to permit ourselves an extraordinary amount of grace because we don’t always get it right. Sometimes we give up in the moment and have to go back to apologize when emotions have settled down. It’s learning when to act in the moment and when it’s best to step back for a better approach.
In our case particularly, we have the freedom to be outside of the public school system but we are deep into this generational healing. Our home has been filled with more questions and communication than I ever know was possible in a parent and child relationship. We’re learning that we don’t always have to agree with each other, respect is not simply given because “I am the parent and I say so” but understanding just how valuable respect really is when it is earned through an open door of communication. On both sides of this relationship we are testing the scales of balance to see what it takes to have a relationship between children and parents in which they are free to claim their autonomy while existing within healthy boundaries of the parents who love them and want the best for them without trying to define what the best really means.
As I sit here and reflect on this, I don’t know that what I have felt my whole life was ever about being Mexican-American, being raised in a strict or Catholic household. Maybe this journey has had more to do about what it is to find the balance between freedom and discipline. One cannot exist without the other and it is only when we believe that we are missing one that we are ever out of balance.
I want our children to KNOW that. I don’t want “no” to carry a heavy weight for them but instead to consider it as a redirection, or perhaps even as lesson, one that carries blessings for their journeys and a chance to get to know what they are made of. And lessons aren’t learned the same for any of them, as I grow more and more confident in my ability to not only become aware of myself but also aware of how they need to be loved and supported, I understand exactly why these wonderful children were entrusted to us to be their guides in this life.
