May has really felt like a turning point.
This month I centered my lessons around discipline and I definitely felt it.
As a family, we started out the month with Casey being gone to Florida for a paintball tournament and these events have been a huge source of anxiety and a rise in feelings of rage. It was a pleasure to get to have that time to see that I had chosen a much better way and I was able to rise in those days feeling fully capable and unwilling to surrender my peace.
Curiously enough, this month I felt the divine masculine energy more than ever. I suppose this began from the moment that Casey left for that tournament and throughout the month I felt super connected. This theme of discipline really allowed me to recognize how strong my mind is and how when I say I am going to do something I do it.
I am capable, I am powerful.
I felt like I was really able to recognize myself in a way that I am still developing but giddy at the thought that this masculine/feminine connection within is strong, it isn’t going anywhere. A homeostasis, give and take for infinity. Recognizing the ways in which I have applied discipline into my life allowed me to experience a beautiful release that I also noticed coincide with what could have been passed off as PMS. I felt safe within myself to express anger and when I noticed that I really wanted to hide and push my feelings down I was then quickly able to communicate what I was feeling, where it was coming from and it brought me closer to my husband in ways I have been wanting.
It gets hard to have conversations with your partner you know? Especially when you have children who already have so much to say, that’s a given but if we consider that where there is a will there is a way then we have to ask the obvious “why am I not willing to do my best to have a heart to heart?” Well for me, it came down to the belief that men aren’t safe, they cannot be trusted and they will use you.
Which is a pretty crazy belief to have considering I have been married to this man for nearly ten years. I won’t get into my trauma and past experiences but it will suffice to say that sometimes the idea that we spend so much time and effort to build a life with a man and he could at any given moment decide he doesn’t want to share this life together anymore, he could betray or abandon me if that is his will has been enough for me to intentionally set an emotional block in the connection.
When we talk about emotional blocks, we have to get down to why was it put there? Because of a belief. And we can read as many books and converse with as many guides or mentors as we’d like but if you want to have a real connection of any kind we absolutely have to take action and remove those blocking beliefs. The vulnerability of it all, over time becomes a pleasure. Like taking in a lover for the first time, you’re completely absorbed visually and then stimulated physically, spiritually.
Of course its terrifying, I mean truly consider that each person on this earth has free will. They can do whatever they want and thats why we try so hard to control others because we don’t want them to hurt us. It’s called trust and when we are betrayed by the people we were told love us the most well, trust is a challenge.
I’m not afraid of a good challenge because I trust myself.
Mind, body, spirit- May was a great month. I have a strong feeling that the changes I went through here will bring some lovely fruits.
May was a blue month, a primary color and I strongly felt the third eye and throat chakra clearing. Mostly emotionally of course, especially being a woman I think we’ll continuously be healing the ways in which we’ve ignored our intuition and have stayed silent when we should have spoken our truth. The best way I found to keep the energy moving was to stick to my workout routine especially when I wanted to avoid it because “I didn’t feel like it” which of course meant that it was exactly what I was needing. It helped a lot to cry, to allow myself to revisit memories so that I could let them go. It’s such a hard or perhaps tempting thing for a victim to let go, visiting the past becomes like a drug, one that I am no longer interested in subjecting my health to.
I had a lot of fun incorporating blue into my outfits and recording outfit reels. You probably wouldn’t consider something that healing but it does something for your confidence to not only plan a nice outfit but put yourself out there when you’ve made a new home for yourself safe in your own energy.
My favorite purchase this month was the blue Jacquemus Petit Bambino. It is tiny, like you can’t even fit a phone or tarot deck into it. Maybe three crystals tops but in its own way it’s a petit piece of art.
All in all, this month I felt that conscious creatress power from start to finish and it didn’t scare me. The phrase “room for growth” has become something that means there is still life to be lived, lessons to be learned and challenges to be accepted. I feel excited and my goodness that is a welcome feeling to have about our lives don’t you think?
